How To Eradicate The Oregon Blackberry Plant

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I guess I can tell you this, now that blackberry season is over.

You see, when I first moved here, I thought the blackberries
were no good. Everybody was always talking bad about them.
I didn’t realize the only problem was that you couldn’t stop
them from growing like crazy and taking over the whole
blankety-blank yard.

I know how to stop them dead in their tracks.

It’s kind of funny, really, that I know how to stop those
blackberry plants from taking over the yard. Especially since
we never had this problem back in Florida.

We did have other noxious weeds, though. Much worse than
the Oregon blackberry.

Kudzu. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Don’t get me started…

Anyway, here’s how you do it: (And keep in mind this requires
NO chemicals of any kind, and NO capital outlay.)

I’ll admit I’m a little reluctant to tell you. I mean, if this gets
out, we’ll be seeing a lot less blackberry bushes in these parts.
I kind of like those bushes. They remind me of that wild-and-
free untamed energy that soars with the wind, grows in the tall
pine trees, and flows in those mighty rivers.

You know what I mean. There’s a fierce freedom in this area.
It gets in your blood and seeps all the way down to your DNA.
And I fear I may be taming the spirit of this wild and wonderful
place.

But I’ll tell you anyway.

Here’s what you do: First, find a good healthy specimen. It
doesn’t have to be the biggest plant. Just pick out a strong,
vigorous one.

Next, you’re going to have to dig it up. I know, it’s a hassle.
But as you’ll see in a moment, it’s well worth the effort!

You’ll have to chop off the underground runners with your
shovel, and then dig it completely out of the ground. Cut the
stem - or stems - about five feet from ground level.

Shake off as much dirt as you can from around the roots.
You may wish to hose off the rest of the dirt, leaving yourself
with one blackberry plant - roots intact - and with stems about
five feet long.

Next, cut the entire plant - roots and all - into approximately
one-inch pieces. You’ll need a pair of clippers or some good
heavy-duty scissors.

Then sprinkle the plant pieces onto several cookie sheets and
place into a preheated 350 degree oven. Bake for one hour. If
you’re in a higher elevation, increase cooking time. Carefully
remove from oven when done.

Now place cooked blackberry plant pieces into a metal container
with walls at least five millimeters thick. Fasten lid securely
onto place. Now call the Oregon Hazardous Waste Dept. and
tell them to come out to your place immediately.

When they arrive, give them the sealed metal container. And
that’s it! You have successfully eradicated an Oregon blackberry
plant - which even as we speak may be riding in the secured bed
of a Mack truck, speeding towards the salt flats of Nevada to it’s
final resting place - 6000 feet beneath the earth’s surface -
preserved for thousands of years in salt.

Take that - you f#*!!ing bush!

Tired, but proud from your efforts, and after waving goodbye to
the friendly haz-mat experts in their white suits, why not grab
a cold one from the fridge and swagger on over to the easy chair?
You’ve earned it!

When hubby gets home, let him know that he can cook supper
and deal with the kids. Because YOU - my dear - have successfully
eradicated Oregon’s most despicable plant.

And tomorrow, maybe you’ll go eradicate another one.

***

Now you know the jealously-guarded secret of how to deal with
the Oregon blackberry.

Knowledge is power. Please use it wisely!

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Thank you!







all the best,

Mark

Ps - those stems you cut off the plant - they didn’t touch the
ground, did they? Cause if they did...