I Can't

.
or - "How To Argue For Your Own Limitation, And Win Every Time!"


I'll never forget the time a doctor broke a needle off in
my shoulder as he was giving me a shot for my bursitis.

My shoulder hurt so bad I wore my arm in a sling. The
shot was supposed to help. It made things worse instead.

And I had other pains worse than the bursitis.

At the age of twenty I was almost crippled with physical
and emotional pain.

I had 'old-people's health problems'.

Eventually, I learned a secret way around the pain.

Here's what I learned...


Back then, I would SAY I wanted to be successful - to
have this or that success - but I really wanted to feel
sorry for myself, or I wanted someone else to feel sorry
for me.

Or I wanted to avoid the responsibility that comes with
success, or I wanted to prove what a rotten childhood I
had, or...

The list went on and on.

Most of the time it was an outright lie.

I told myself so many lies, it became like a ship that
kept me afloat. But the ship started sinking. And me -
noble and loyal captain that I am - wouldn't desert my
ship of lies.

I'd rather go down with the ship. I'd rather die a slow
death than tell myself the truth.

Because "I can't".

And how dare you suggest I can!

"I really am a victim. I can prove it."

I buffed and polished my argument better than any politician.
I knew it inside and out. I could recite it in my sleep.

It was the last thing I took off at night and the first
thing I put on in the morning.

***

Maybe you find yourself saying -

"No, Mark, my situation really is different. My problems
really are insurmountable. I really am a victim. Even
my therapist says so.

"I've got an ironclad argument why I can't. Not only do
I believe it, but I've also got everyone else around me
believing it as well. So I guess I really don't have to
be responsible..."

***

Well it's true. Some things you will NEVER be able to
do. No matter how hard I flap my arms, I can't fly. God
knows I've tried. I get maybe six inches off the ground.

Once I was walking in the woods and saw a small
rattlesnake between my legs. I almost flew. Almost.

But here's the difference:

If you say - "Come on Mark, stop lying! You could fly
if you really wanted to. You're just trying to prove you
had a rotten childhood."

Then I'm going to laugh at you. I don't need a boatload
of excuses as to why I can't fly. Because it's true. I
can't fly.

But if you say - "Come on Mark, stop lying! You could
become happy and successful and lose weight if you
really wanted to. You're just trying to prove you had a
rotten childhood."

You think I'm going to laugh at that? HELL NO!

I'll start trying to convince you I really am a victim of
circumstances beyond my control.

But I'll never try to convince you it's gravity's fault I
can't fly.

That's how you know if you're lying to yourself or not.

Are you 'forced' to defend your limitation? That's the
test. If you truly can't do something - then it's no big
deal.

But if you truly can do something - but you aren't -
then you must righteously defend your position.

Better to argue and get mad and defend myself than to
admit I'm a liar. Because in truth I can have all
the success I want.


The "I can't" argument becomes like a prison.

Seems the only time I even used it was for something
I longed for but didn't have.


Not getting something that you long for creates pain.
It's painful to not get what you want or need.

The "I can't" becomes like the painful walls of a prison
I don't even know exists. I don't even realize I've
boxed myself in. I don't know why it hurts.

I don't understand; and I conclude life isn't fair and
I'm a victim.

"I REALLY AM DAMMIT!!"

I distract myself from the core issue and focus instead
on building up my boatload of lies. Not because I'm
stupid or un-evolved; but because it's the only thing I
know how to do.

"Yeah, it hurts, but I'm getting used to it. Besides,
doesn't pain build character?"


Maybe you've concluded, as I have, the only value to pain
is to show you where you DON'T want to be!


Here's what I learned:

WILLINGNESS ALWAYS COMES BEFORE ABILITY.

The whole argument for "I can't" is nonsense. It's
immaterial. It's called a red herring. (A 'red herring'
is a distraction from the real issue by bringing up a
different issue that holds much less (if any) value.)

I say "I can't" but the REAL issue is, I'm not WILLING.

Can and can't refer to ability, but ability always comes
AFTER your willingness.

When you say "I CAN'T make more money" what you
really mean is, "I'm not WILLING to make more money."


On a more general (and more real) level, it means I'm
not willing to give up my payoff. I'm not willing to stop
feeling sorry for myself. I'm not willing to stop avoiding
responsibility. I'm not willing to stop blaming my
parents. I'm not willing to stop punishing.

The key to any achievement is to first work on your
willingness. Ability will always follow.

You'd be surprised how many doors open for you once you're
willing. It's like magic. I've seen it over and over.

So how do you become willing? You could start with -

"I'm willing to FIND my willingness. I'm willing to explore
this issue without my lies. I'm willing to find what's
stopping me now and end it or change it so the
willingness will come. I'm willing to understand more."

"I'm willing to look at why I'm not getting what I *say*
I want."

"I'M WILLING TO BE WILLING."

If that's the stage you're at, then I can help. Much of
my e-book "How To Create Your Own Reality" is about
finding the willingness to change.

Because I show you what's holding you back and how
to change it.

Once you have the answers, it's a lot easier to be willing
to change.

Maybe now is the time to take the action you've been
putting off.

create-reality.com

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all the best

Mark

More Advice For The Lovesick

.
(This page is a continuation of another article on
advice for the lovesick.)

To oversimplify, the goal of any loving relationship is to
allow love to evolve.

To allow love to evolve, you must reach the state of
'being loved'.

Being loved means you're willing to change because of
the love you feel from another.

So ultimately, you absolutely DO want to feel the love
that comes from another person, or another source,
such as divine love.

But most people are miles away from that. For one
simple reason - they don't yet feel their own love.

First, you feel your own love. Then you can feel the
love from another.

It's easy to get it backwards.

"I can't love myself until someone else loves me."

Which never works.

Here's why:

You must first create a space - a receptacle - some
sort of place to PUT that love from the other.

It all starts in childhood.

Children believe they don't receive enough love.

Because they lack the ability to process all the love
they do receive.

We were never taught how to process love (or any
other emotion, for that matter!) and so often the love
goes unrecognized and unrealized.

It's not that we weren't loved - but rather we didn't
know how to FEEL that love.

We were never taught the SKILL of properly handling
our feelings.

Beyond the lack of skill, children also lack the ABILITY
to absorb all the love that comes their way.

Here comes ten pounds of love from mother - but I
can only catch a pound and a half.

No matter how much love mother showers on me, I
just can't absorb it. A sponge can only absorb so
much water. A glass can only hold so much liquid.

Mother's pitcher of love may hold a gallon, but the
child's cup can only hold half a pint.

In a healthy childhood, that cup - that receptacle of
love - would increase with age. As a child grows, so
the capacity to receive love grows.

But who really has a healthy childhood?

Almost everyone experienced a shameful childhood
instead. Parents usually adopt the role of subhuman
behavior - through deplorable actions - or else they
adopt the role of superhuman behavior - and hold
their children to impossible standards.

Either way, the child ends up feeling defective and
flawed - that they're some sort of mistake which
can't be fixed.

One of the many, many problems with shame is the
lack of the ability to process love and other emotions
in a healthy way.

Which leads us back to today's topic - advice for the
lovesick or heartbroken. (You can find part one of this
topic here.

The best way I could describe it is that it resembles a
small child who can't be around it's mother.

Mother is everything to a small child. It feels overwhelming
when separation occurs, even for a short time. Because
*everything* is overwhelming to a child. And because mother
holds so much importance.

Children are hard-wired to feel everything INTENSELY.
It comes natural to them. Because by feeling intensely,
and then letting go of that intensity, you grow and change
and become more of yourself.

When you process your feelings in this way, you use
them as fuel. But when everyone in the world around you
believes (and is willing to die for the belief) that feelings
are bad and wrong and must be avoided at all costs...

...it lays the groundwork for serious problems.

One problem - you can go an entire lifetime and never
know the wonder of being loved. Because you never
learned how to hold love - to process love - to feel any
sort of depth to love.

You can spend a lifetime searching outside of yourself
for love.

And you'll never be fulfilled.

And these words can be read, but never really fully
understood.

"Wow, Mark, that sounds great! I love what you've
written."

But you'll go right back to looking for love outside
yourself...

That's the potential danger.

Searching for 'the' source of love outside yourself
guarantees you'll feel pain.

First you find your source of love inside, then you can
join with another to share the love you both feel.

The source of your love is within you. The object - or
the focus of your love - can be outside you.

The lovesick or brokenhearted person basically has
two problems - ending the pain they're currently feeling,
and finding the source of love within themselves.

The pain is there because we've blocked our natural
ability to feel love and all our other emotions.

Today's pain seems overwhelming because one or more
instances of feeling overwhelmed (which usually
happens in early childhood) are still locked into us.

It compares to post-traumatic stress disorder.

There's no way a small child can process out the
terrifying feelings that come from separation from
mother.

Those feelings can lay dormant for decades, until
similar circumstances bring them to the surface.

If a loved one leaves or is not around, and you
can't control the situation, it can activate those
overwhelming feelings from early childhood.

It leaves you feeling overwhelmed with heartache.

The pain you felt from those early years - which
you couldn't possibly even remember - comes up
now just as strongly as if you were one or two
years old (or whenever it happened.)

The overwhelming pain of separation compares
to a post-traumatic stress disorder event.

Essentially, you're reliving an experience from when
you were a small child.

The short answer to this situation is to give yourself
permission to feel the pain as fully as possible and
then release it.

The longer, more complete answer involves mentally
returning to that small child and helping it heal.

Here's one way to help that child heal -

I detail a similar process (for ending anxiety) in the e-book,
"How To Reduce Fear, Escape Anxiety And End Panic."

It's one small part of that e-book.

(There's a TON of information packed into those pages!)

You can find out more by going to -

reduce-fear.com

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all the best

Mark

Good And Bad

.
So you want to know what’s good and what’s bad?

Simple.

A ham sandwich is good. If you use quality meat and fresh
homemade bread with some spicy mustard.

Unless you’re a vegetarian. Then it’s bad. Unless you
use some sort of ham-substitute. Then it’s good. Unless
you’re allergic to soybeans or whatever else they make
the ham substitute out of. Then it’s bad.

See how it goes?

You can go round and round and round - with no end in
sight.

Why? Because good and bad are usually subjective terms.
There seldom really is an ‘absolute’ good or an ‘absolute’
bad.

They’re most often determined by consensus. Good and
bad are determined by silent vote, most of the time.

But what about the child molester? He’s always bad, right?

Well, he’s engaging in conduct that has severe and painful
repercussions, that’s for sure. But so often the label of
‘bad’ is used as a judgment so we don’t have to look more
closely.

Because it might stir up feelings we don’t want to look at
in ourselves. Not that we’re secretly longing to molest
children. Not at all.

It’s more along the lines of not wanting to look at our own
rage. Not wanting to look at how we ’molest’ ourselves.
Things of that nature.

The child molester that we see as a monster may seem
perfectly normal to the other molesters in prison.

It’s more important to spend time with how he makes us
feel, rather than judging him right or wrong. I personally
know the intense hostility that comes up inside me when
confronted with the thought of such a person. And I also
know how necessary it is to deal with those feelings.

And as I deal with how a molester makes me feel inside,
it’s much less likely I’ll create that type of person in my
reality.

And the more I hate this type of person, the MORE likely
I’ll create him in my reality.

To deal with my feelings, I have to stop judging.

That’s the danger with judging ANYTHING as good or bad.
It freezes everything in place. Judgments hurt.

Besides judging, what else comes into play?

Well, let’s go back to the ‘absolute’ good and bad.

Surely there’s some sort of Universal Law to apply here.

“God’s Love Is Good.”

This, too, can be a judgment to keep from feeling.

How many people have really felt God’s love? I mean
REALLY felt it?

Without the hype and the exaggeration and the drama...

Here’s where it gets tricky.

Because one person can say it’s good - and really mean
it and really feel it. While another can say it out of habit
and rote. Just mouthing the words with no substance
behind them.

So it becomes not a case of the words themselves, but
the energy behind the words.

What are you intending to convey when you say God’s
love is good? Do you want to share your own joy, or do
you want to hide your own inadequacies?

Or do you want me to believe you have some sort of
answer I don’t have?

So that’s the third consideration - the intention behind
the words.

Besides subjectiveness, judgment and intention, the next
thing to keep in mind is that the terms good and bad can
be useful in pointing to our ideals.

The knights of the round table in King Arthur’s court were
‘good and true’. Noble, gallant, and all that stuff.

Also, one of the qualities of the human spirit lies with being
‘good and true’. (Powerful, free, good and true, valued,
loved, aligned with self, and ‘enough-ness‘. Just in case you
were wondering….)

In these cases, the phrase ‘good and true’ is meant as
sort of an ideal - an open-ended lofty concept which we
can strive to move closer to.

So goodness could be considered as an ideal. Like truth
and beauty. Something that can never be fully defined or
attained.

(While badness could be considered something we’d want
to move away from.)

In other words, they’re like beacons. Ideals compare to
the beacons in our lives. They show us the way.

We understand the concept of good - and we strive to
move closer to it - even though we don’t fully understand
what the word even means.

That’s an ideal.

Part of being an ideal lies with the mystery that comes with
NOT being able to fully understand it.

It gives us the opportunity to ponder and contemplate and
perhaps even get a little frustrated with our lack of
understanding.

And still the light of goodness shines on!

I think part of the beauty in good and bad lies with the
fact that they can never be fully contained - neither with
words or thoughts or feelings or concepts or even
imagination.

In this case, I’d say rejoice in your confusion and in the
ambiguity and uncertainty.

Sit with ‘good’. Place a sphere of ‘good’ on your lap
and see how it feels. Then try it with a sphere of ‘bad’.
Notice how that feels.

Use it as a springboard to genius.

Be grateful there are some things you’ll never fully
understand.

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all the best,

Mark

Advice For The Lovesick

.
Ever longed to be with another person who didn't want
anything to do with you?

Or longed to be with someone you just couldn't be with -
for one reason or another? Maybe they moved. Maybe
they died. Maybe they're with someone else.

No matter the details it hurts like hell. It rips you apart.

Well, I'm no expert on relationships, but I do have some
advice for the lovesick or brokenhearted person going
through a painful separation.

If you feel you could die because you're not able to be
with the one you love, here's the first thing to keep in
mind:

You're trying to find love from an outside source. And
that will never happen.

Even when you ARE with the one you love, and everything
feels wonderful, that 'rejoicing in the presence' you feel
is coming from INSIDE YOU.

That other person only brought to the surface what was
ALWAYS inside your own heart.

Nobody can make you feel love. You can only allow
yourself to feel some of the love that's already inside
yourself.

I'll admit it can be easier to feel love when you're around
the one you love - but it's certainly not necessary.

When you're with the other person - or thinking of the
other person; whatever - you are ALLOWING yourself
to feel YOUR love.

Very rarely does anyone actually feel the love of another.
It takes a lot of empathy; a lot of strength and personal
power. You really have to be in touch with yourself.

You must first be in touch with your own love before you
are even capable of feeling the love of another.

I know it doesn't seem that way. It seems like the other
person is the source of the love you feel.

But I'm here to tell you that never happens.

They are the OBJECT of YOUR love.

Big difference between an object and a source.

ALL emotions are sourced inside of you. They bubble
up from a wellspring deep within.

When you're immersed in love - or as you think back
to a time when you were - it seems hard to believe that
much love could be inside you.

It *must* come from the other person!

"I don't have that depth of love."

I say you do. I say no matter how powerful the love you
felt - how overwhelming it seemed - you've got much,
much more still waiting inside you.

When you're pining for another - and it HURTS - then it's
time to change your focus. They were never the source
of your love anyway.

Feelings of neediness create more neediness.

As you realize your love comes from inside - and it's
truly endless - you'll be much more likely to recapture
the heart of the other person. (Or find a replacement!)

The more you turn inward for love, the more likely you'll
be to end up sharing your love with another.

The more needy you become; the more likely you'll be
alone.

It starts (but certainly doesn't end!) with acknowledging
YOUR love comes from within YOU.

If you're feeling lovesick or brokenhearted, the first step
is to change your focus FROM the other person and
ONTO the endless wellspring of love that lies within you.

And to change your focus, it starts with being WILLING
to change your focus.

More to come...

(like why it's so PAINFUL...!)

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all the best,

Mark

The Map to Misery

.
Sick of being so successful? Tired of living the charmed, easy life?
I've got your answer right here -

"How To Screw Up A Lifetime in Seven Easy Steps"

Battle-tested, these seven steps have enabled me to righteously blame others and avoid responsibility for decades! They work wonders. But you can't just read them - you must get out there and DO them!

1. Get born into semi-painful circumstances. (How hard can that be?)

2. Pretend things are much worse than they really are. (How could you not?)

3. Blame all your problems on outside forces. (Like falling off a log!)

4. Refuse to be responsible for anything in your life. (Seems logical....)

5. Snowball the misery - get more and more off-course. (If you've been following along, this step is super-easy.)

6. Keep lying to yourself. (Okay.)

7. Create a nightmare scenario you can't get out of. (OUCH! I didn't know we were playing for keeps!)




Seriously -

That's how I did it. I ended up painting myself into a corner. Trembling with fear. Smothering in depression. Seething with rage. And wallowing in pity.

It was all fun and games at first. Until the nightmare hit. Then things got deadly serious.

Finally I had to take the messy way out - sloshing through a whole bunch of my own garbage.

Sometimes there are no easy choices.

What do you do then? When life is closing in, and everything seems overwhelming, and it's all getting TOO PAINFUL...

You have to use the most feared word in the English language:

Responsibility.

More than use it, you have to start living it.

Consciously start taking responsibility for anything you can.

See, you're already taking responsibility. No one can avoid it. Most people try. But you WILL be held accountable for everything you say and do and think and feel.

I'm not referring to the Biblical sense, or the karmic sense. I'm talking simple physics.

It's impossible to not be responsible. You can only postpone the inevitable for so long. It's like trying to damn up a river. Eventually the water will find a way to flow.

Many people have taken THE PATH OF PAIN as a way to be responsible.

Better to work with the river instead of against it.

Where do you suppose is the most important place to start taking conscious responsibility?

I'd say it starts with your thoughts and feelings.

For example:

Nobody's 'making' you angry. That's an impossible situation.

If you 'won't' be responsible for your anger, then you can expect it to continue.

Own it and you can release it. Blame it on someone or something else, and it will grow stronger and feel more painful.

Also, the world is not making you scared. Overwhelming fear does NOT exist because of ANYTHING in this world. Again, that's impossible.

Water doesn’t flow upstream.

Everything you see that's making you scared came from the fear story you created inside your own head.

Give your fear story enough energy and you CAN make it come alive.

Neutralize it now, and you can live a much happier life.

You can make fear an ally instead of keeping it an enemy.

reduce-fear.com

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all the best,

Mark


brought to you by
Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Wizard