Emotional Times: December 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

What Are You Thinking?

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Those thoughts in your head may not be your own.

They might be coming from another part of you - an aspect of yourself that may not have your best interest at heart.

I'm talking about your ego.

I've written about the ego before, in the e-books on forgiving yourself and creating your own reality, and in this previous post about the ego.

Here's the briefest of synopses:

What your ego is: Your information delivery system. Like a mailman.

Why it 'goes bad': Because we force it to be responsible for things it can't be responsible for. We force it to make choices and decisions about life, for example. (It's called 'shaming the ego'.)

Today, I'd like to expand on the ego a little bit, and explain why it's so critically important to learn to differentiate between your thoughts and feelings, and your ego's thoughts and feelings.

Ego, by it's very nature, really isn't very smart. But it's important to understand: your ego does think and feel independently of you.

It can and does make choices and decisions quite independently of your choices and decisions.

And many people function from a place of ego rather than from their own self.

I know this can be a hard concept to grasp. And I also know from studying my own web site statistics, that many people don't even want to read about the topic.

Well, the more joyful and successful and wonderful your life is, the less you're functioning from a place of ego.

And the more misery you feel, the more you ARE functioning from a place of ego. A life run by ego is guaranteed to be a miserable life.

Because the ego is not equipped to run a life!

It is only equipped to deliver information - FROM the world and TO you. And to deliver your response back to the world.

Your ego is a 'middleman'.

It must be there, for your very survival and existence. You NEED your ego.

But you need to be running the show! You need to be the one consciously making the choices and decisions.

So how do you know if it's you or your ego doing the thinking and so forth?

Discernment. You learn to tell the difference. Here's how to start:

Say you're walking down the street and you see a red car. Your ego is supposed to say: "There's a red car."

Instead, what you hear is: "There's a red car. I hate red cars!! They should all be rounded up and crushed into scrap metal. Look at that jerk driving. Boy, I'd like to..."

Or - you feel miserable emotionally. Your ego is supposed to say: "I'm feeling miserable right now."

Period.

But what you hear: "I'm feeling miserable right now. I ALWAYS feel miserable. I'm just a miserable person. I'm bet everyone hates me. I'm a pathetic loser. I'll never feel better. I should just do the whole world a favor and..."

You see what's going on here. Rather than simply doing its job - delivering the facts - your ego also interprets the facts.

But that's your job!

When you don't take the time to consciously think and feel and make choices and decisions out of your thinking and feeling, you can be sure your ego is doing it for you.

If you want to blame, or avoid, or get righteous, or feel pity - or any of the other ways to go to sleep - someone still has to sit in the driver's seat of your life.

It can be your inner child or some other aspect of you. But usually it's your ego.

Here's what I suggest:

Start by questioning every thought you can:

Is that me? Or is that my ego?

Do I really believe what I just thought?

Is this a thought that separates me?

Does it make me feel better-than or less-than?

Is it hurtful - to me or another?

These are the kinds of questions you want to ask yourself concerning the thoughts that pop up.

Basically, your ego wants to separate and punish and go to extremes of black and white. Those are the general tendencies.

By questioning your thoughts, you're becoming more conscious and more powerful and more responsible and better equipped to function in life.

And it's a good way to start becoming more of a friend to yourself.

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Thank you!

all the best,

Mark

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Wizard

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Gratitude Is Overrated

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Entire books have been written on the value of gratitude.

You can get rich just by being grateful. Or so one book I recently read claims. And I don't doubt it.

You can get lots of wonderful things by being filled with gratitude. But here's the problem:

Gratitude is a spontaneous celebration of happiness, thankfulness, and a few other feelings as well. However, the key word here is spontaneous. Gratitude is spontaneous. It could be summed up as:

"No matter what I do, I can never return the favor."

To me, that's gratitude. Yes, it's important. It's a wonderful energy and a great way to feel. It's one of the 'generating energies' that I write about in the e-book, How To Create Your Own Reality.

But it's not particularly easy for many people to feel true gratitude.

If your life sux, and someone tells you to feel grateful, what do you suppose you'll really feel? If you're anything like I used to be, you're going to be filled with the exact opposite of gratitude. Namely, resentment, bitterness, envy, etc.

Because you don't have the well of positive experience to draw from.

Your well is already filled with other energies.

You do have a well of experience you draw upon every day. It could be already overflowing with gratitude; because you've been feeling grateful for all the wonderful things in your life. And all the glorious experiences you've been having...

Or it could be a well filled with boring, mediocre, same-old-same-old day to day blasé experiences.

Or it could be a well filled with anger. Or fear. Or misery. Or...

You do have a well.

Now, it's true. Humans have the potential ability to feel anything at anytime. But not necessarily the capability. (The space to exercise the ability.)

If you're depressed, if you're suffocating with anxiety, even if you're in self-pity, you won't be feeling gratitude. But you can move up the scale of emotions.

Gratitude's way up at the top - next to love, intimacy, joy, and wonder.

If you're down near the bottom, the trick is to feel slightly better. What can you feel - passionately - that feels a little better than what you're currently feeling?

If you're depressed, it's often hate.

If you're scared, it's often anger.

Whatever. But you never have to settle for the way you're currently feeling. Get those feelings move UP and OUT of you - whatever they are. That may take some 'emotional thrashing'.

Of course, you could always feel grateful that you're even able to feel hate, or anger. It is a gift, you know.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

How To Start Accepting Yourself

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Many people know they don't accept themselves. And they want to change it.

Especially after reading yesterday's post, where I mentioned "many people prefer the pain of non-acceptance over the joy and magic of self-acceptance".

But how?

Let's look at that a little closer. But first, let me say I write statements like that a lot. I honestly don't do it to make you angry. No, I do it as a way to pierce your defensive shield.

Some people take it personal, and send me nasty letters. Others vow to never read another word I write (just a wild guess).

But I know some people take it to heart:

"Wow. I just got punched in the gut here. This really pushed a button. I wonder why..."

Those are the letters I enjoy reading.

I'm not here to win a popularity contest. I am a 'piercer'. I pierce. I cut through the blockages and walls and all the other structures that people put up around themselves. It's what I do. It's who I am.

Because I know you have to break some eggs to make an omelet.

I don't intentionally try to offend anyone. If you've ever talked to me or sent an email, then you know that.

So why did I say "many people prefer pain"?

I'm speaking from personal experience. I preferred pain. For decades. Even as recently as last night, I found a pocket of pain I was still hanging onto. I tried to 'work my magic' before I went to sleep; to end it.

It wouldn't budge. So I went to one of my favorite tools of self-improvement. Before sleeping, I asked the other, more conscious parts of me, to reveal my blockage during the night. So when I woke up this morning, I would have a greater understanding of the situation.

I often ask for greater understanding at night. And a good percentage of the time it really works!

If it doesn't work, then I usually accept that I'm unwilling to understand. So, the next night, I might ask for understanding on why I'm not willing to understand.

Hey, you gotta start from where you are!

Anyway, this morning I did understand the situation a lot better. It didn't go away, but at least now I know where to focus my efforts. Now I can spend time 'processing' it out.

You might want to get into the habit of asking for greater understanding yourself. The more you do it, the better it works.

Okay, back to the 'pain preference'.

First, let me state the obvious: Almost nobody really wants pain.

But it's a slippery slope; from a little pain to a lot of pain.

It start out innocently enough... usually in childhood. Almost always as a result of shame. And usually we've lost conscious memory of it.

We get dumped on. It hurts. We don't know how to handle it. So we dump on ourselves. Because shame is like a hot potato.

Even as a child, we try to 'process' our pain. But a child is ill-equipped to do so. About the only option is to shame ourselves. We start lying to ourselves:

"I’m a bad person."

"There's something wrong with me."

We also start withholding things from ourselves; like love, happiness, etc.

I believe this is generally how pain gets out of hand:

We were dumped on in a painful manner.

We feed the pain.

The problem with pain is that it grows. Slowly, imperceptibly, it grows. Oftentimes hidden from view. Until one day the bottom falls out. Then we're engulfed in pain. Down in the bottom of a deep dark hole.

Nobody wants that.

I've consulted with many people who've fallen down that hole. And not a single one of them wanted to be there.

But here's the confronting part:

An inadequate coping mechanism - (I believe) - is what got you down there.

If you can accept that statement, you've just empowered yourself a little, and you've made it a tiny bit easier to get out.

Now, admittedly it can be a challenge to get out of that hole. But the first step is to understand it's even there - and to understand how you got there.

I'd suggest seeking out your own individual understanding for your own unique situation.

Honestly, sincerely, ask for understanding as you sleep. And if it doesn't come, then the next night ask for the reason why you're not willing to understand.

And see what happens.

It's a starting point to greater self-acceptance.

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Monday, December 17, 2007

Best Holiday Gift To Yourself

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The holiday season creates a certain energy in the air - an excitement - unlike any other time of the year.

It's also a time of reflection. How did I do this year? Am I a better person now? How do I feel as I look back on the year?

Along with reflection over the past year, the holidays are also a time of reflection on where we are right now. Which brings us closer to those holiday blues...

Because it's way too easy to hold ourselves up to an unrealistic standard that is guaranteed to create feelings of unworthiness and not good enough.

"I should be doing this..."

"I should be feeling that..."

It's so easy to judge ourselves harshly - which always makes the situation worse.

If there's only one gift you give yourself this holiday season, why not make it the gift of self-acceptance? It can be a critical first step to actually feeling better, no matter how bad - or good - you feel now. Here's why:

When we won't accept ourselves for who we are - and where we are right now - it's because we're most likely judging ourselves. And judgments freeze. By not accepting ourselves, we freeze our present condition into place. We make it MUCH harder to change.

So often, we want to believe that if we accept ourselves, that means we won't change:

"If I say it's okay to be the pathetic person I am - then I'll keep on being pathetic." Or mediocre. Or whatever adjective you use to describe yourself. (Personally, I prefer the term 'seeker'. I am a 'seeking person'. I am seeking to become more of myself, and less of who I am not.)

The key point to understand is that self-acceptance has nothing to do with complacency. The more you accept yourself, the less you'll settle for your present condition, and the more you'll want to improve yourself.

Self-Acceptance As A Foundation, A Platform, And A Springboard

Everyone has a foundation. Filled with all sorts of hidden energies such as fundamental beliefs, fundamental choices, and many other things. We stand on our foundation and create our lives out of it.

Generally, our foundation is filled with our assumptions about life and about self. If we fundamentally assume we're acceptable, it empowers us to stretch and grow; to reach for more.

Out of our foundation, we create our existence; our actions, our habits, our patterns of day to day living... in other words, our platform.

Thus, on top of our foundation sits our platform. A platform is a structure. It's what we 'make' of life. Our lifestyle is a big part of our platform.

If self-acceptance is part of your day to day life - just imagine how enjoyable that life becomes! There's a certain spring in your step when you accept yourself. You're comfortable with who you ARE - as a human being - and you're willing to become more.

Beyond our day to day existence, there also exists a 'something more'. No matter how great and wonderful we may be - there's always a whole other level of existence - way beyond us. Every now and then we glimpse it. This 'something more' becomes the peak experiences of our life.

The first one I remember was at the age of fifteen, on top of a mountain at Philmont Boy Scout Ranch in northern New Mexico. But it could happen any where and any time.

The older I get, the more I value my peak experiences. I long for them. I seek them out. By accepting myself as fully and completely as I can, I create a springboard to make the peak experiences more likely. And the more of those experiences I have, the more I accept myself!

One defining moment can change your life. In fact, one probably already has. That's what defining moments do. They can be horribly painful, and lead to a lifetime of suffering and misery and self-deprecation.

Or they can be peak experiences, to inspire you for a lifetime.

Self-acceptance can help assuage the pain and increase the likelihood of a positive defining moment. Which may be right around the corner...

Self-acceptance is a paradox. Nobody can do it for you. Nobody can stop you from doing it. It can be the hardest thing in the world, but it's totally up to you. Lack of acceptance hurts so deeply, but still we resist accepting ourselves so strongly.

It's a lot like self-forgiveness. We resist the magic; we prefer the pain.

I know for me, I just couldn't let go of the lie: "I am unacceptable." To not accept yourself, you must lie to yourself. You must believe the lie that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Which is impossible.

Basically, self-acceptance comes down to accepting responsibility for yourself. That's why there is no shortcut. That's why it's so hard. That's why so many people prefer the pain of not accepting themselves.

Because they absolutely refuse to accept responsibility for the life they've created. Better to sink in the quicksand...

The good news: it's totally up to you. And it's never too late to start.

"I accept myself just the way I am. And I ask the universe to show me how I can accept myself deeper and more completely each day."

That's how I started the never-ending, always-expanding path of greater self-acceptance.

I can't think of a better gift to give myself this holiday season, then to work on accepting myself more and more.

It's why I am truly my own best friend.

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Thank you!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Will Your Product Help Me?

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I get this question on a regular basis. Or rather, "How do I KNOW your product will help me? How can you prove it?"

It's an interesting question. In the create reality e-book, I refer to it as one of the many 'payoffs' that people often take. I use this example in the e-book: "I'm not going to open my eyes until you prove to me there's a beautiful sunset."

Case closed. You win. Because it's impossible to prove you will benefit whatsoever. Maybe you're colorblind. Maybe you can't see color at all, and the sky will only reveal shades of gray.

I guess I could start asking the asker: "How do I know you're going to apply my material? Prove to me you'll give this your best shot, then I'll let you buy it."

I remember one time I did send letter after letter of praise from buyers - to someone who asked for proof. And I'm sure you can imagine the rest of that story: he never bought anything. I presume he's still wandering cyberspace - kicking other electronic tires...

Of course, it's certainly valuable to conduct your due diligence, by writing the author before you buy. I've been ripped off more times then I'd like to admit. For quite a bit of money, I might add.

Some slick salesmen will have excellent sales letters - filled with testimonials - and still sell junk products or services. I learned the hard way - a testimonial is no proof at all. With internet marketing products - so many of those 'testimonials' are incestuous. "You promote my scam, and I'll promote yours."

Even if a product does work for one person, there's no guarantee and there's no proof it will work for you. When I first started looking for answers to emotional healing, nothing worked for me. I eventually concluded everything was a rip-off.

I judged every product and technique as worthless. The key word: judged.

Judgments freeze. They lock things in place. They create rigid, unbending, inflexible outcomes. Because I didn't really want to look at my own issues; I put my own evaluation - my own thoughts and feelings - into the deep freeze. Hiding them behind the ice cream and the frozen peas.

Then I got to blame! And blame is soooo much fun.

Plus, if I judge, then I don't have to be responsible. Or rather, I don't get to be responsible.

Because I finally got it through my thick skull - while blame is cheap, dirty fun; responsibility is clean, valuable fun. The most fun you can have in a human body comes from living a responsible life.

Now, today, if I were to go back and look at all the products and services I said were worthless - I could probably pick out the pearls of wisdom and value.

Sure, some products are 100% worthless. But they're in the minority. Most contain some value. And some contain a lot. But if I'm intending to prove all self improvement products are rip-offs sold by conmen (because I don't REALLY want to change - I just want to talk about it) then I will judge every product as worthless.

Which, if you think about it, takes an enormous amount of energy. It's hard work proving a negative agenda.

It certainly leaves you powerless. You're forced to give your power away.

It takes effort to keep the lies frozen in place. You have to keep remembering them. It takes energy to power the refrigeration. Unless you live at the North Pole.

Often times, it comes down to a determination - a rock-hard decision - to not be responsible for your life. Ironically, the conmen sucker you by saying you aren't responsible and you don't have to be responsible. "Just send me your money and your problems will be over."

If you're determined to not be responsible, you'll be suckered again and again and again. Building up more and more resentment, but unwilling (and seemingly unable) to change.

Here's what I say:

Go read my free e-book first. See if it makes sense. Read through some of the articles on this blog.

Get to know the flavor of what I'm offering. Then I won't ask you to PROVE to me you'll apply my materials before you make a purchase!

Bottom line:

Start taking back your power. Look for more and more areas of your life where you can be responsible. Love and accept yourself for who and what you are. And don't forget to feel your feelings - cleanly.

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Thank you!

Emotional Times