Emotional Times: February 2008

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Dissociation

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I used to feel weird. Sometimes, REALLY weird.

Like I wasn't in my body. Like I didn't belong. Like everything I saw wasn't real; as if I were in a dream state or something.

It's not a good feeling. You're so out of control. Or, more correctly, you're so powerless.

Dissociation, to me, is a state of extreme separation and isolation and compartmentalization.

I don't know, but I suspect the root cause in most cases comes from past trauma and/or abuse. Something happened (maybe a lot of somethings) that I just couldn't handle - so I attempted to separate myself from my experiences. In other words, from my thoughts and feelings and memories of what happened.

I've been in the unique position of being able to witness - first hand - abuse of a child. And years later to ask that child about what she remembered from what her mother did.

She remembered absolutely nothing of the incident I myself saw with my own eyes. She didn't even believe me. She seemed incredulous when I brought it up. She knew I wouldn't make up the story. Still, I couldn't jog her memory.

I was amazed.

Actually, I witnessed numerous incidents of abuse on this person. She remembered less than 10% of what I physically witnessed. As you might suspect, she has feelings of dissociation now.

I'm not saying every person who feels dissociated from themselves was abused as a child. But the theory does make a lot of sense.

Plus, to a child, everything is so big and overwhelming and impactful. It might not take a whole lot of trauma to develop the habit of separation.

This habit of separation started as a survival mechanism.

But it ends up creating a host of problems.

It may have been the only way to survive, but now it's only a detriment. It needs to end so you can get on with your life as an adult.

There's two things you need to do:

1. Become more grounded in your body.

First, read my previous post on what I do every morning. It's an excellent way to both invigorate and energize your body, as well as to ground yourself.

I highly recommend it.

By the way, there's a guy in Tampa who (last time I checked) sells this exact same info for hundreds of dollars. You get the same info for free by reading my previous post.

Aren't you glad you know me?

Also, engage in any physical activity that gets you in touch with your body. Dancing is good. Check out what this woman does on You Tube:

I love her attitude!

Or, consider some sort of stretching exercise. Stretching out. Everyone knows it's a good idea, but who actually does it?

Well, I do. I developed the habit of stretching throughout the day. 10, 20 times a day - I'll spend a minute or so to stretch various parts of my body.

I also do isometrics throughout the day. That's where you tense various muscles in your body against other muscles. Say, by pushing your arms against each other. No movement, but a good little mini-workout.

Or, I'll simply tense and relax various muscle groups, such as my abdominals.

Anything you do to feel your body more (in a loving way, of course!) will probably help. At least somewhat. But to really change the underlying problem:

2. End the separation from yourself.

The first thing to do here is to start processing your thoughts and feelings.

The best way to start processing is to write out what you think and feel. I've scribbled out my thoughts and feelings for years. And used up thousands of sheets of paper.

Most of which are still stored in boxes. Every now and then I'll get them out, just to marvel at how my life has changed over the years.

The foundation of that change consists of processing.

I mention more details of this most effective way to start processing in the free e-book on emotional healing.

Just by processing (a lot of processing!) you'll go a long way to reconnect with yourself.

Also, be aware that we've all built walls inside ourselves.

One particular wall - the wall around our heart. I explain a lot more about it at healing-emotional-pain.com.

But that's not the only wall.

We often compartmentalize painful experiences of the past. I've even heard of people advocating compartmentalization as a technique of self-improvement.

I'd strongly suggest not doing this.

Your power lies trapped in those painful experiences.

Pain 'locks up' your power.

You need to cleanly feel (and then absorb into you the energy behind) the pain. Then the pain automatically releases.

It works like magic if you let it.

Basically, you need to 'get out of the way' and let the natural healing take place.

When I say get out of the way, what I mean is to stop the blame, righteousness, pity, judgments, etc.

In other words, drop your little story!

Accept responsibility for your situation in life.

In fact, all these things I've mentioned involve taking responsibility. (See? Responsibility can be FUN!!!)

While there are other things to do to end the dissociation, these are the starting steps:

Ground yourself physically.

Reconnect with yourself on the inside. By processing out your thoughts and feelings and by seeking out the walls you've built.

Start there.

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all the best,

Mark

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Wizard

FREE E-Book on Emotional Healing

forgive-yourself.com

create-reality.com

reduce-fear.com

healing-emotional-pain.com

release-emotions.com

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Why I Stopped Trying

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Here's one of the most insidious ways we limit ourselves... and block ourselves... and put up walls to any and all success in our lives.

It's the number one reason I myself was so miserable for so many years.

It's why I felt like such a failure for most of my life.

It's why I'd get so close to success - I could taste it - but so often it alluded me. You know how your mouth literally starts to water as you begin to eat? That's how close I used to get to success - only to fail one more time.

After a while, I 'learned my lesson'.

That's when you stop trying... when you just want to avoid greater pain.

"If I stop trying - then it won't hurt so bad."

So I learned to live a life of getting by - with as little change as possible. Don't rock the boat; just go through the motions of pretending to live a life.

That's where I found myself: afraid to try because I didn't want to feel the pain of failure one more time.

Now there's nothing inherently wrong with failure. It can be a teacher and a guide to show you what doesn't work:

"Here's another way to not make a light bulb. Let's try something else for a filament."

Failure can be a wonderful teacher if you let it. But here was my problem:

Every time I failed, I 'internalized' it. Meaning, I took my failed experience - whatever it was - and used it to prove I was a failure. See the difference?

"I failed" is a vastly different statement than "I am a failure".

It's funny, because I'd actually say, "This doesn't make me a failure - it just means I failed here." I'd say those words, but guess what?

I WAS LYING.

I would tell myself, "Mark, you're not a failure." But my belief and attitude was - I AM a failure. And I felt like a failure. I thought I was a failure. I decided I was a failure.

But I covered up those real statements with a lie: "Mark, this doesn't mean..."

My slumping shoulders, I'm sure, betrayed my true feelings. Too bad I didn't take a good hard look in the mirror!

Here's the point:

I honestly didn't realize I was internalizing my failures.

I wasn't recognizing the pain I felt from failing. I covered it up instead. I used my failure as proof I was a failure. Without even realizing it.

That's called shaming yourself.

When you shame yourself, it's like putting on a blindfold and walking naked into a field of cactus.

It's going to hurt. But who put on the blindfold? And who chose to walk into the cactus?

Nothing good ever comes from shaming yourself. Even though a little admonishment - on occasion - may produce a favorable result. Maybe.

Shame, however, only produces pain. It robs you of your power. It fosters irresponsibility. And it almost always goes unnoticed.

It becomes such a habit, we don't even realize we're doing it. For example:

"I deserve to be punished" is a shameful statement. Yet it almost sounds like a responsible statement.

When it comes to deserving - what you deserve as a result of failure is more love, more healing, more forgiveness, and more self-acceptance. Period.

I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out; especially since it's so obvious.

But once I did understand - "hey, I've shamed myself so much when I've failed, that now I'm afraid to even try! Because there's a mountain of unresolved pain I've stuffed down."

Once I understood what I was doing, then I could get about the business of feeling the pain of my past failures, so the pain would release.

As the pain is felt, it releases.

As the pain releases, it gives off power.

As it releases, the energy behind the pain is retrieved, and I become more powerful.

Feeling my pain - honestly, cleanly - makes me more powerful. Hiding, stuffing, avoiding, denying, running from my pain, pushing against it, fighting it - makes me weaker and more ashamed.

You can't win a fight against pain.

All I have to do is 'go into' my pain - as a warrior - with an open heart and an open mind... yes, I may cry for a day or two or three. It happens sometimes. So what?

I'd rather be powerful.

Most of my life I've experienced emotional pain of varying intensity. But I discovered the running and avoiding was worse than the pain itself.

The tendency of pain is to release itself.

I had to make it stick around. The best way I knew of was to shame myself. Put myself down. Internalize my failures. Give up on life.

I got to where I was afraid to try because I was afraid to feel my pain. The fear was worse than the pain.

Because of the fear - I kept the pain alive. I waited decades to face my pain. Then I realized it's never too late to change.

Be willing. Choose. Then let the ability to change flow into you.

That's the secret.

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

3 Minute Depression Cure

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People ask me about this a lot.

Some people think I'm the one selling the 3 Minute Depression Cure.

I'm not.

I haven't ordered the product either. But that won't stop me from writing about it.

There's a really good website by another man living in Colorado - who's done decades of brain research. And on his site he explains the whole brain switch thing - for free. He goes into detail about it.

I highly recommend visiting his site. And when you e-mail him, he actually writes you back! (You can tell him Mark sent you.)

But lets look at why the idea of a '3 Minute Depression Cure' is so appealing to so many people.

First, let me say I have nothing against the Oregon guy who sells it. He's probably just trying to make a living.

And he certainly knows good marketing:

1. Find a desperate group of people.

2. Tell them you have a QUICK AND EASY answer to their problems.

3. Talk a lot about what the product is not - rather than what it is.

4. Reveal as little 'real' information as possible.

5. Make them very curious.

6. Convince them they won't have to be responsible - and they're not responsible for their situation.

7. Make lots of money!

It's a simple formula. If you look closely, you'll see it all over the internet.

And it always starts with a desperate market seeking a super-easy cure for a problem they don't want to take responsibility for having in the first place.

See, if I'm not responsible for my situation - then I deserve a super-easy cure. I'm entitled to it.

And I'll gladly pay 100 dollars to someone who validates my irresponsibility. (And whom I can blame when things don't work out...!)

Again, basic marketing. (Well, maybe it's advanced marketing. Either way...)

But here's the problem:

If I won't be responsible for what got me into my present situation - how in the world do I think I'm going to change things?

Answer:

Because I expect a fairy Godmother to rescue me. Or a knight in shining armor. Or maybe God Himself will take pity on me. Since I'm really not responsible...

Now, I don't really believe in knights or fairies. And I doubt God will do it. Instead I must look to someone selling a quick and easy cure on the internet.

Even though I know it's not quick and easy - I want to believe so desperately that I seek out anyone who will validate me.

Any good marketer knows this. The good marketer exploits this 'pressure gradient' - as a way to make good money.

Desperation + lack of responsibility = a pressure gradient.

"I'm desperate."

"I'm not responsible for my situation."

Therefore, "I deserve a quick and easy cure."

Someone who's not desperate can easily see through a product and its sales letter. But when you ARE desperate... well... it clouds your vision.

Pain has a way of doing that.

I'm not saying the 3 Minute Depression Cure is worthless. It might be great for all I know.

I'm just explaining marketing principles.

One other thing:

I've hinted that if you're depressed, then you're responsible for your depression.

You can take my statements and use them to blame yourself and beat yourself up for being depressed. Or beat me up.

Which is the exact opposite of responsibility!

Responsibility means: I have the willingness to change. Now, let me find the power to change.

If you're responsible for your depression - then you can probably end it for good.

That's responsibility.

It has nothing to do with blame or shame or anger or any other kind of non-self-accepting behavior.

You've probably read my over-simplified generic version of how to be depressed.

You'll see it's basically a slippery slope - where, in many ways, it could be considered a process you were indeed not responsible for. Because you did the best you could under the circumstances.

You were just trying to survive... or to assuage the pain... or to fit in with society...

So it's not about blaming yourself.

It's about recognizing:

Different events and situations had to come together for me to end up depressed.

I wasn't trying to be depressed. I was trying to survive. I did the best I could under the circumstances.

That's taking responsibility!

Then, take the next step. Start making your way out of that hole of depression.

handle-depression.com

join-the-fun.com/handledepression.html

Or use the search box in the upper right hand corner of this page.

Oh, and that Colorado guy with the brain research website - it's neilslade.com. It's not specifically about depression, but there's tons of neat stuff on the site - including the simple technique of switching your amygdala forward.

If you just want to learn about the brain switch, go here - neilslade.com/chart.html.

As for the 3 Minute Depression Cure - well, like I said, I didn't order the product. You're on your own there. Maybe it's the best thing since sliced bread. I don't know. Everything I've said about it on this page is just my uninformed - but nevertheless, unabashed - opinion.

I've got an opinion on everything. And I'm not afraid to use it!

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Scientology Guide

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Every now and then someone will write and ask me if I am into Scientology. I suppose it's because I generally take a dim view of antidepressants.

So here's what I think of Scientology:

A few years ago, as I was walking out of the local brew pub in Ybor City (in Tampa) I was approached by a man who asked me if I wanted to take a 'personality test'.

I knew something was squirrelly with the guy, but still I was intrigued. Especially since my friend said, "Get away from him, he's a Scientologist!"

Would they kidnap me? Was I in danger? Could they brainwash me in a casual conversation? Could I withstand their wily ways?

All these questions were running through my mind.

I walked over to their place of business. I saw a dozen or so other bar patrons who'd been rounded up like me on a Friday night; curious or perhaps even genuinely interested.

I sensed a dark energy that hung about the room like an ominous cloud. It was impossible to ignore. I'll admit I felt a little nervous. No way would I lose sight of that front door.

My main source of confidence came from the firm belief I could kick and bite and scratch and elbow my way through every person in that room if need be...

Just try and stop me. Just try.

I was introduced to the best looking woman in the room (which isn't saying much) who laughed when I confessed my main source of confidence.

"Do you really think I'm a threat?"

"Well, maybe not you, personally..."

At the time, I didn't realize how many hours and hours and hours she'd spent working on her communication skills; presumably to deal with people like me.

She let me hold her E-meter. I was impressed at how she avoided answering my questions. She was highly skilled in the art of 'verbal judo'.

I bought a book on emotions. She said she'd like to see me again. I wrote my mailing address on the sales receipt.

I went home and read the book. It was overly simplistic and half-wrong, but besides that, it wasn't too bad. Although I wouldn't recommend it. (If you want to learn about emotions, read my free e-book.)

And now, here's where the story gets interesting.

You see, I know someone who intimately knows the inner workings of the people who run Scientology.

(As opposed to the 'google-knowledge' which I learned later. Just google the word scientology and you'll be lost in an endless maze of information they don't want you to know. I spent a fascinating evening surfing numerous websites after my Friday night adventure.)

Here's what my friend in Los Angeles told me a month later:

1. Yes, Mark, they do indeed have VERY powerful techniques.

2. Some of the members (my friend wouldn't say who) have gone WAY overboard in terms of responsible, acceptable, decent human behavior. I assume this refers to some of the leaders.

3. They will tell you they have the answer to your problems, no matter what problem you say you have.

4. Mark, in your eagerness to learn you could get sucked in. You need to stay away.

And my friend would say no more. No matter how much I begged and pleaded for additional info.

So what's the bottom line?

If you're looking for a Scientology Guide - think hard about why you want to learn about it. If you're really set on helping yourself with Scientology techniques, then at least select one of the 'underground' organizations that are run by ex-Scientologists who sincerely want to help people.

And avoid the 'official' so-called church of Scientology at all costs. They have an agenda; and it's not to help you.

I respect a person's desire to learn more about themselves and to walk a path of self-discovery. To me, nothing is more important.

Just make sure you THINK FOR YOURSELF.

Don't let anyone else make your choices and decisions and evaluations. Ever. Guard your choices and decisions and evaluations with your life.

And to this day, after moving twice, I still can't get off their damn mailing list. They keep finding my new address.

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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Changing A Belief Is Easy

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It's easy to change one of your beliefs.

It's like finding an old piece of paper with the belief written down on it... and ripping up the paper. And then writing out the new belief on a clean sheet of paper.

To help the new belief 'stick' - you want to change as few words as possible - preferably just one word - while creating a completely opposite meaning.

For example:

"I can never be happy."

Could be changed to -

"I can always be happy."

Of course, you first need to find that old belief.

I'll tell you where it is. All beliefs reside in the subconscious mind. (Except for the unconscious beliefs. They're in the unconscious. But you don't need to worry about those.)

Your subconscious beliefs carry great importance. Beliefs determine - more than anything else - the quantity of your success. How much money you possess. How much happiness you feel. How much misery you go through.

How much of anything - is determined by your beliefs.

Beliefs also build the reality you see around you. Like a building block. A raw material. Like bricks or lumber or concrete.

Change your beliefs, and your reality changes around you. It has to. It has no choice.

If you go to your subconscious mind, and change your beliefs, you can change your life. You can easily demonstrate this to yourself if you wish.

I wrote out the whole process in the e-book How To Create Your Own Reality. Then, to make it as fool-proof as possible, I recorded it onto an audio file. In excruciating detail.

Maybe too much detail; but I didn't want to leave anything to chance.

However, even if you follow along with the audio file - listening as perfectly as you can - it can still not work. Why?

Because there's a glue holding the belief in place. And the more you want or need to change it - the stronger the glue seems to be.

Changing a belief is easy.

Dealing with the glue can be tough.

See, you don't really need to go to your subconscious mind to change a belief. It's somewhat of a beginners technique.

It distracts you from the real technique - dealing with that glue!

I'm hoping you'll be so distracted by focusing on the wonder of your subconscious that you'll deal with the glue without really thinking about it. Sneaky guy that I am...

So what is this glue?

If you experience your life being limited in some way - you can be sure at least one belief lies behind it. Most likely, there's a handful. Maybe more. Maybe less.

Belief always lies behind limitation.

It's behind all fears that won't end. In the e-book on reducing fears, I mention to really conquer fear, you must find the belief - or beliefs - fueling your fears.

It's easy to bleed off fears. I devote the first few chapters of How To Reduce Fear, Escape Anxiety & End Panic on exactly how to do it.

But later in the e-book I explain why you must get in touch with, and change, the belief fueling your fears. Likewise, in any other area of your life, it's so important to change limiting beliefs. But here's the problem:

The glue holding the belief in place is painful. And you have to deal with the pain to change the belief.

Most people would rather live a life where they avoid brushing up against the pain. But that's hardly possible.

You'd be much better off facing in head-on. Rip the Band-Aid off. Get it over with. You'll be glad you did!

The glue consists of painful thoughts and painful feelings. Sourced in the past. Not random thoughts and feelings. Rather, specific ones; unique to each belief.

Oftentimes, the limiting belief will be like a precipitation, or a culmination, of some painful event from the past.

You experience a shameful childhood event. To make sense of it, you create belief to explain and justify the event. Unfortunately, as you create the belief, you dramatically increase the odds of the event happening again.

Oh, the form will be different. It won't be mother or father doing it to you... but the end result will be the same: a perpetuation of the painful thoughts and feelings. Because they're sticking like glue to the belief.

Behind every pain - you'll find a faulty belief. (And you can take that to the bank.)

You don't need to buy an e-book to deal with pain or to change a belief... but it helps.

No, what's most important is to recognize what's happening in your life right now. And be willing to face the pain head-on. Cause if you don't, well, don't expect the pain to go away.

That's the ultimate 'pain management' technique.

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Emotional Times