How We Block Love

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The older I get - and the more I work on healing and improving my own emotional state of being - the more I value love.

I used to be so cynical of love. Oh, if you told me it was important, I'd smile and agree with you. But on the inside I was a raging cesspool of acrid cynicism. I had no more use for love - than I did for the man on the moon.

Or so I thought. But I was a coward. Through and through. I lived the coward's life. In every thought and deed I reflected the fact I was unwilling to face myself.

A coward is someone who won't face the truth.

I couldn't - or wouldn't, to be more precise - face one of the truths about love:

Love is essential for human survival.

We must have some degree of love in our lives just to survive. And it always starts with self-love.

I believe we come into this world loving ourselves completely. We possess total self-love. But we quickly learn that's wrong - that's selfish. It's practically a sin to love yourself unconditionally.

Because it's so easy and so natural to love ourselves, it takes great effort to change. But change we do.

We learn to build walls around our heart to keep out the love. Walls of pain and shame. Walls of pity and judgments. Walls of bitter anger and helpless rage. Walls of fear.

When you're a small child - and you feel INTENSE emotions - you end up learning the hard way you're not supposed to express what you feel - especially not intensely.

But the intensity is real. And you're a blank slate. You're like an empty little book - just waiting to have the rules written down on your virgin pages.

Children process their emotions by actively expressing them; acting them out. The behave like little light bulbs. When the electricity of emotion surges through them - they light up.

No matter what it is, they naturally want to express it. Happy, sad - or anything in between - they just want to act it out.

We, as the wise grownups, fear they'll never progress beyond this natural state of being, and we start clamping down.

We teach them, by hook or by crook, "they better stop acting that way - or else!"

Of course I'm over simplifying this aspect of the parent-child relationship to make the point. Namely, children naturally need to express their feelings. Like little light bulbs. If they can express it cleanly, they can 'burn off' the emotion. And be healthier for it.

(I'm not talking about when they learn to manipulate with their feelings as a way to get what they want. That's an entirely different topic. There's a world of difference between tantrums and clean expression of emotion.)

What's important to understand is that the emotional intensity is REAL. And it must go somewhere. Either it gets expressed and released (like the light bulb analogy I can't seem to stop mentioning...!) or it gets repressed.

If it gets repressed then it must be stored in some capacity. It has to be stored. It's not going to just bounce around inside until it dissipates itself. It doesn't 'ground out' into the earth.

Emotions don't work that way. Either you deal with them in a conscious state, or else your subconscious and your unconscious will have to deal with them in their ways.

They'll have to clean up your mess, in other words.

That's where the walls come in.

You've got several different forces at work here. First, you've got all this emotional intensity inside, and it has to go somewhere. It's also a raw material. That's what emotions are - raw materials. Building materials. You build your life out of this raw material.

Another force at play is the intense desire to start shutting down the flow of emotion. If you want to 'get by' in this world - if you want to be 'normal' - then you've got to stop feeling your feelings so much!

That's starting to change a little bit now, and hopefully future generations won't be as crippled as we are, but still - few people see emotions in their true light.

Instead, we learn to block the flow. This involves using the very raw materials we're trying to block! Like blood that coagulates around a cut - so the very emotions themselves form the barrier that surrounds our emotional heart.

And what are we most trying to not feel as a child? The pain and shame and hurt and all the other unpleasant feelings.

The emotions we don't want to feel end up as a barrier around our heart.

When you use whatever materials you have at hand to build something, it's called bricolage. And that's what we do. We build a painful wall around our heart that makes love seem painful.

The wall blocks love. And, the love that does make it through can often seem painful.

This wall was one of the reasons I loved myself so miserly. Once I learned how to break down that wall - I was able to feel everything more fully and completely. Including love

I ended up breaking that wall down. I busted it to pieces. It was like a breath of fresh air. You can learn all about it by going to:
Remove The Wall That Surrounds Your Heart

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Cognitive Therapy Self-Help

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Cognitive therapy represents one method you can use to help yourself become a better person. Basically, it involves greater conscious awareness of your thought process so you can modify it, as a way to feel better.

One assumption of cognitive therapy: people commonly think distorted, faulty, or inaccurate thoughts. I believe everyone does this to one degree or another. For example:

1. Viewing events as either good or bad - never both. And never as shades of gray.

2. Magnifying insignificant events to artificially inflated importance.

3. Taking an unpleasant current event and applying it to all other areas of your life or to all future events.

The first step to cognitive therapy self-help involves becoming consciously aware - or more consciously aware - of these types of thoughts.

The second assumption of cognitive therapy: your thoughts create your feelings and your behavior. If you can change your thoughts, then you can improve your feelings and modify your behavior.

I see it differently. I believe thoughts and feelings are both raw materials. As such, it would be impossible for thoughts alone to create feelings because one raw material cannot create another raw material.

I experience a constant flow of both thoughts and feelings bubbling up inside me. I call it the wellspring of emotion. From this wellspring of emotion comes our so-called 'stream of thought'. And also our stream of feeling.

Due to the twists of chauvinism, thoughts have been exalted while feelings have been devalued - even despised - as an unnecessary evil. We've become so adroit at shutting down our feelings that we now can scarcely believe a constant stream of feelings even exists.

In this paradigm of devalued feelings, it's no wonder so many people experience so much emotional pain. I cover this topic in much greater detail in the free e-book on emotional healing.

Working with thoughts alone can produce desirable results. However, considering and applying the following two factors can enhance your self-help efforts:

1. I would suggest the feelings you feel are not a product of your thoughts alone, but instead they come from something more.

The individual feelings you feel - as you dip into your flow of raw material - are a product of your self esteem. Your self esteem acts as a filter to block certain feelings and allow other ones through.

Self esteem is the evaluation you make of yourself. Your thoughts obviously play a major role in your self esteem. Hence the assumption that thoughts create feelings.

But it's not that simple. For a complete understanding of self-esteem- what it is, where it comes from, why it is so important, and most importantly- how to build it- go to Self-Esteem-Secrets.com

2. The main stumbling block to cognitive therapy - whether it's through self-help means or not - lies with the underlying resistances many people have towards making changes.

These resistances often go unrecognized, unacknowledged, and hidden from view. For good reason: they're usually ugly to look at, and hard to admit to.

For example, we may simply prefer to feel sorry for ourselves rather than improve our lot in life. Or we may wish to avoid more responsibility. Or we want to punish someone. Or maybe we prefer to manipulate others in some way. I cover these and other resistances (and what to do about them!) in the e-book on
creating your own reality.

Another resistance may be a reluctance or difficulty in letting go of the past. "I've been wronged" and I just can't seem to let go of what happened. And if I improve myself - through cognitive therapy self-help or any other way - then it might negate what happened to me. Because on matter what I say to the contrary, I don't really want to let go of that past. I'm using it. I'm getting some sort of 'hit' by keeping it alive. It's valuable to me. Therefore, cognitive therapy appears not to work; if I even try it at all.

A final resistance I'll mention is simply fear of change itself. Change scares people. No matter how much we want it, we also resist it. Because every change involves chaos.

You must experience at least a little bit of chaos for any type of change. The bigger the change - the greater the chaos.

When you go through chaos, you temporarily lose touch with your anchors. When you emerge from chaos, you take back those anchors. Depending on the degree of change, some of those anchors will be new while some of the old ones will be gone.

For example, it's possible to let go of the anchors to pity as you create new anchors to love.

As you work on your cognitive therapy, keep in mind the short-term nature of chaos. It's temporary.

And if you forgive yourself first, you'll find change comes easier and more elegantly. You can find out more about forgiveness by going to Forgive-Yourself.com

You can make positive changes in your life with cognitive therapy - and you can do it on a 'self-help' basis. Because the more you examine your thoughts and feelings the better off you'll be.

Any time you question yourself - good things can happen!

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Pursuit Of Happiness

In some sense, we're all in the pursuit of happiness. Why do anything- if not to feel better for doing it?

So why does there seem to be so little happiness in the world? And why do we have to pursue it? Why can't happiness chase after us? Then we could be the fickle ones:

"Not today happiness. You haven't done enough to deserve me. Come back tomorrow and try harder."

And this leads us to the first reason for a lack of happiness:

"I can't be happy until 'this' happens." Whatever 'this' is...

We make demands upon happiness, that it can't possibly fullfil. So if you're in the pursuit of happiness, the very first question to ask yourself is, "What has to happen for me to be happy?"

And that's not a rhetorical question. Seriously look at it. Get out your paper and pen and write that question at the top of the page. Then write down your answer.

After you've done this simple exercise, now here's the sneaky part: Let yourself be happy now as a way to get what you say has to happen before you'll let yourself be happy. Let happiness help you. Let it lead you to what you want. And resolve it this way:

"Okay, I know I'm not supposed to be happy yet. But I'll just try on a little bit of happiness- like trying on a new outfit at the clothing store- to see how it fits; to see how it suits me."

You don't have to 'buy' the happiness- just borrow it for a little while.

Now, do you see the really sneaky part here?

I'm presupposing you can be happy anytime you want.

I'm assuming you're in charge of your own happiness. All you have to do is choose it. And for some people, it's true. For others, it seems impossible. It's like chasing down a squirrel, and the squirrel always gets away.

"Always in sight: never in hand."

Happiness eludes us for several reasons. First, it would appear we're actually hard-wired in our very DNA to not be happy. So we won't get complacent. So we won't get too lazy. So we'll 'try harder'.

Even if we're not genetically programmed, we're certainly taught and conditioned to never ever admit to being happy. Because if we're happy, we won't get any grease, so we have to squeak. At least a little bit.

Plus, if you're happy- you must be a sucker, a simpleton, a chump; a shallow person easily conned by all the wiser, miserable people circling overhead.

And who wants to be thought of as a fool?

Another less obvious reason to not be happy: "What will be expected of me if i found the happiness I'm pursuing? Will I have to sit up straight? Will I have to bathe more often? Will I have to donate money to the poor?

What is the price of happiness?

Well, it's true. You will have to give up something. You will have to pay a price. Maybe it's your own misery. Or your lies. Most likely it's that corpse- that dead body called 'your past'.

It's hard to be happy with a bag of rotting flesh on your back. But carrying the past seems a little too enticing for many people:

"Yeah, I know it's dead, it smells bad, it's heavy and no one wants to hear about it...but I was wronged."

So maybe- just maybe- if the whole world knew how hard I've had it- then I can be happy. Maybe.

Is this the price of your happiness? When everybody knows how terrible your past was, or how terrible your life is now?

Once upon a time, you knew- you lived happiness. You never thought about it, you never questioned it, and you never pursued it. You were too busy enjoying it.

No matter what your childhood was like, you had your moments of happiness. And you can have them again- once you stop blackmailing yourself.

So many times, we'll want to be happy- but then that little voice comes in:

"You can't be happy. Look at this, look at that, look at all the problems you have."

Then we start focusing on all those reasons that prove we have no right to be happy. We have no right. And it seems so much easier to focus on the misery- the unhappiness- than to let ourselves be happy.

That's blackmail. We might call it 'being realistic'- but being realistic would be focusing on those problems afteryou allowed yourself to be happy. Because when you're happy you'd see more options and more potential solutions. You'll be coming from a more powerful position. And you'll want to create more happiness.

While anyone can be happy- for some people it truly will require more effort. It comes down to a few factors:

1. How willing am I to pay the price of happiness?

2. How strong are my neurological pathways that lead to misery? Meaning- how easy is it to focus on the parts of my life that result in feeling unhappy?

3. How much have I shut down the flow of my feelings?

These are the types of questions you want to ask yourself if you sincerely wish to be in the pursuit of happiness. And not only do you want to ask those questions- but also spend time to find the answers unique to you.

Also, because happiness is so important to creating what you want- I've included more information on what it takes to be happy, as well as how to use that happiness to generate a better life, in the e-book How To Create Your Own Reality

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Getting Rid of Guilt

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Getting rid of guilt can seem like an impossible task. The reason lies with your subconscious mind. Your subconscious acts like a rudder underneath a boat. The rudder points you in one direction, while you may want to go in a different direction.

Before I explain how to get your subconscious to work with your conscious mind so you can get rid of guilt, lets first look at some of the reasons it's so alluring... and so hard to end.

1. Guilt is an expedient motivator.

What gets you up in the morning? What motivates you throughout the day? If you haven't yet developed your character, then most likely you're using guilt to motivate yourself. When character is lacking, guilt often substitutes for your character.

"If I don't do this job, I'll feel guilty."

That's one of countless examples of using guilt to force yourself to take action when character is lacking.

But by developing your self esteem, you'll also be developing your character. For a complete discussion of what character is and how to strengthen it, go to self esteem secrets.com

2. Guilt is an anesthetic.

Guilt numbs you. It can even put you to sleep and/or paralyze you. In a way, it resembles self pity.

As an anesthetic, it separates you from yourself and your world. It's a way to avoid the pain and to avoid your own true feelings.

On the surface, this may not seem like such a bad idea. Who wants to feel pain?

The problem is, the pain never goes away. Instead, it silently spreads. Pain left unattended always grows.

Plus, pain locks up your power. The longer you stay in pain, the more powerless you become. And more powerless you become, the more painful it gets. It spirals downward - so the longer you put off dealing with it, the worse it becomes.

Pain is best dealt with the same way you deal with your feelings. You feel the pain as fully and completely as you can. You surrender to the pain instead of fighting it. You feel it - so you can let it go.

You let it in, instead of trying to push it away. You go through the pain. Or, let the pain go through you. However you see it.

3. Guilt is a way to manipulate.

Many people love to manipulate. Both themselves and others. The more obvious example is when we try to manipulate those around us. But more common, perhaps, is when we fool ourselves into thinking that feeling guilt is the same as feeling remorse.

It's not. Remorse can be a powerful stepping stone to forgiveness and thus change. With guilt, on the other hand, you're only spinning your wheels. Nothing changes.

4. Guilt has a short half-life.

When you feel guilty - that guilt never lasts very long. It quickly putrifies into resentment. So if you're attempting to make someone feel guilty - watch out! They'll soon resent you.

Because of this characteristic of guilt, you end up finding and creating more things to feel guilty about. It's the only way you can keep the pattern of guilt alive.

5. Guilt is often a substitute for emotional intensity.

Because we can feel so guilty, and it feels so uncomfortable - if not downright painful - we often believe we're in touch with our true feelings, and the intensity of those feelings.

But we're not. Pain and uncomfortability do not equal emotional intensity. When you really truly feel any emotion - cleanly - with no story attached - it's invigorating.

It's like the adrenaline rush from seeing a snake, or the body rush that comes from looking down from a tall building. Clean fear comes and goes quickly. While the imaginary, painful fears - that come from the fear stories - can last a lifetime if not engaged, handled and ended.

The imaginary fears drain you and leave you weaker. In the same way, guilt drains and weakens you.

6. Guilt keeps you focused on the past.

Because guilt comes as a reaction to a past event, you're always looking backwards. Guilt forces you to focus on the past. It keeps the past alive.

Why would we do this?

Here's two basic reasons: First, we have a tendency to try to fix the past. To 'get it right' this time. Second, we have plans for that past; such as using it to manipulate or punish someone.

Again, forgiveness is a good way to help let go of a past that's ended - and needs to be put to rest once and for all.

7. Guilt keeps you from responsibility.

You can't be responsible when you're feeling guilty. Ironically, some people feel that guilt offers a form of penance; a repenting of sins.

"If I feel guilty - I'm paying my dues."

But two wrongs don't make a right. Guilt takes you further away from responsibility, rather than closer to it. Besides, responsibility has nothing to do with 'righting wrongs'.

Responsibility requires you to 'clearly' respond to your life. And it's hard to be clear when you're feeling guilt.

8. Guilt comes from the 'shame of being'.

I used to feel guilty so much of the time. For me, as present as these first seven characteristics were in my life, I lived with one more overriding factor: Shame.

Guilt formed as a never-ending byproduct to the never-ending shame. I often felt guilty for no reason at all. But surely I must have done something wrong... to feel this guilty... something...

That's the nature of shame. You feel guilty just for being alive.

Shame. While related to guilt, shame stands as it's own separate issue. Shame is much more complex than guilt. It requires more effort to end. And it's way beyond the scope of this article.

Fortunately, you deal with each separately. So now lets get rid of that guilt!

Getting Rid Of Guilt

The following technique helped me to virtually eliminate guilt - almost overnight. While I still can feel a tiny bit of guilt every now and then, it's only a whisper. And I can easily laugh it off.

What helped me was knowing:

1. Guilt is a substitute for real emotion. Usually, it's anger we don't feel we have a right to have. For example, lets say you invite me to lunch. I don't really want to go. And I end up arriving late. I can't really get angry - so I'll feel guilty instead.

2. While I'm feeling guilt - I can't feel love. And yes, I'm aware guilt often becomes a substitute for love. We feel guilt - and think that means we're being loving in some way.

Trust me, you are not loving - you are not being loving - during the time you feel guilt. Guilt and love cannot coexist. You feel either one or the other, but never both simultaneously.

Anyway, to most elegantly get rid of guilt, you'll want to work with your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind resembles a super-computer. While it contains much more consciousness than your conscious mind does, it cannot make choices. It never decides what to do.

It only follows orders. So your responsibility - first of all - is to clearly understand what you really want. (This is a major part of the Create Your Own Reality program.)

Once you're clear - then it's time to communicate - effectively - with your subconscious mind Your subconscious mind communicates mostly through imagination and feelings.

It's easier than you think to communicate with it. You're already doing it, and you've been doing it your entire life. Admittedly, you did it much more effectively and efficiently as a child... but it's a natural ability and a skill to be developed.

The best way I've found so far is to sit or lie down, close my eyes, relax my body and take conscious control of my breathing. This sets the stage.

Then I'll count from 5 to 1 - as a signal to my body and my mind and my subconscious that I intend to enter a slightly-altered state of consciousness. This also sets the stage.

Next I create images in my mind, and bring in as much emotional intensity as possible... or as much intensity as the situation or scene calls for.

And that's the framework - the basis - the context - for what I call 'visualization exercises' or 'meditation'.

So how can be use this to end guilt?

It can be easy and straightforward. I did the following exercise one time and ended about 90% of my guilt. (But first I had to really let it in - guilt is a fabrication, a manipulation, an expedient motivator, etc.)

So here's what I did:

I sat down, relaxed, closed my eyes, etc. - and counted from 5 to 1. Then I imagined myself getting an egg out of the refrigerator. As I imagined myself holding the egg - I started thinking of things that made me feel guilty. I started remembering the times I had felt guilty.

I made myself feel as guilty as I possibly could. This went on for several minutes; as long as I could stay focused on the guilt.

Then I imagined all the guilt flowing from me and into the egg. Filling the egg... filling the egg... filling the egg with guilt. I did this as long as I could stay focused.

Finally, when I felt like I'd completely filled the egg with my guilt - then I imagined myself walking over to the sink and breaking the egg. Then I slowly, carefully, deliberately imagined the guilt drain down the sink.

The egg represented my guilt - and breaking it into the sink, while watching it slowly drain away - was a message to my subconscious that I wanted the guilt to drain away. I did this with as much clarity and focus and power as I could possibly muster.

Then I ended the meditation.

As you can see, it's simple and straight-forward and worked quite well for me. I suppose some people would want or need to do this exercise several times to really get the message across.

Finally, I went out and bought some eggs and did it in the 'real' world. And since then, I've felt very little guilt. Maybe it was just my time to end guilt.

If you've read my free e-book on emotional healing- then you know what a big believer I am in the power of processing your thoughts and feelings.

But when it comes to guilt- to getting rid of guilt- you really don't need to 'process' it out. Because guilt is a fabrication. There's nothing of substance to process.

Instead, it's more of a 'flushing' like the pity flush. Or, in this case, it's more of a 'draining away'

Try it. Just remember to keep those characteristics of guilt in mind- and make sure you really wantto end it.

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